Rattus expects a world food shortage this year because of the war in Ukraine and the price of gas.

With the cost of fertiliser now exceeding £900 a ton the government has started a national campaign to collect human urine to use as a replacement.

With the value of each bladder full measured in pence it will reduce the need for Russian gas used to create nitrogen fertiliser.

The French are already trialling it. This new regime will also have great implications for our rivers as human urine is a major contributor to eutrophication and our rivers are in a shocking state.

Each household will be issued with two 10 litre plastic cans which they will put out with their recycling every week.

The council will collect this and sell it to farmers. It is estimated that fertiliser prices will need to drop back to the 2021 price of £250 a ton for the service to be unprofitable. It will be your patriotic duty to fill those cans.

Rattus rattus